Today has been a tough day for me in the mounting pressure, impatience and unhappiness I’m experiencing with where I’m at in this point of my life. I’m ready to be on my own.
For anyone who is unfamiliar with my story, I’m Ashley! I’m 24-years-old, quickly approaching 25 (Jan. 6) and I’m living at home with my parents post college, broke, and working two part-time seasonal jobs when all I want to do is to be a full-time professional writer and living in a city where I can bloom.
For weeks, I’ve been scouring the jobs sites of Indeed, Linked In and Journalism Jobs to find that right job for me because independence has been calling for some time and I’m going to need a little thing called health benefits before I’m cut off of my dad’s insurance at 26. So, yeah… no pressure.
A big, hot pink sticky is on display on my vision board where I scribbled one goal: “Out of the nest and into my own place by 25! Jan. 6, 2016.” And then I started getting a few responses from potentials out of Michigan. From phone interviews to Skype sessions, everything went well and I impressed the editors, with one offer and others leaning towards yes! “Oh my God. It’s finally happening,” I thought.
My mom brought up my need to have a plan and the core of it is money! Which I’m scrapping to get. The majority of money I’ve managed to save has been sucked into my gas tank for travel and good ol’ relentless student loan payments. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break to save my life. The resistance I’m bottling inside of not wanting to be in this position boiled over and in a rare moment, I vented my failure on Facebook, which stunned my friends to respond to my angst.
Curled up in my bed, my room entirely black with just the illumination of my computer, I started to cry and become miserable. I think at the core there’s shame for still living at home and trying to launch myself out of this into a space where I can finally grow. I didn’t imagine that my 20s would be this way, honestly. I’m still growing up and I feel my gut telling me to push out passed my fear of failing when I get out there.
So far I’ve had a few job interviews for positions that’ll take me out of the state, something I’ve been wanting for years. I live in a small city with scarce opportunities and want to be in an environment where I can thrive personally, professionally, artistically, religiously and beyond. I’ve claimed it, prayed for it and slapped the message on my vision board.
That moment of crying out, I needed that. But what this ‘lemon’ thrown at me showed a message that I need to stop stressing over my plans and feeling disappointed when things don’t turn out my way. I thought that these job offerings would be my one shot out of Michigan…but it’s not. I’m a work in progress, still, even with stop trying to help God lead my path. I can be so frustrating even for myself so I can imagine how I frustrate the man up stairs. I ask him for patience but one thing I know, even with that breakdown I had, I have so much potential and promise ahead of me.
This is why I decided to start this blog and reveal myself, good and bad, because I don’t know everything and don’t act like I do. One thing I do know is that my purpose is my voice and the stories I have to tell. Hopefully this one in particular has reached you. If it has, I’ve done my job.
#LemonadeLesson: “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.” – Anonymous